Tenth

Today, we are ten.

People who have been married ten years seem so old and wise to newlyweds. And I’m sure many of them are, but I’d also guess that lots of them are like me, feeling like we are just starting out, just getting the hang of it. A lot of things, hard things and beautiful things, have happened over ten years. There were a couple of moments, particularly one three years in and one stretched over our sixth and seventh years, when we made some big strides in understanding each other, God did a lot of work in our hearts, and it felt like a new start. Not so new that we would forget the years before, but fresh, so that we could draw together through what we’d learned and walk along a more-united path than before. This makes it obvious to me that we gained wisdom with our years, but I still feel like what it means to be married, to be a wife, to be married to Brandon in particular, is barely beginning to take shape in my head.

Married for 18 hours; honeymoon in Charleston; “official” honeymoon in Paris six months later

It means letting our marriage be our marriage, and not demanding that it look like someone else’s. It means seeing Brandon as not fundamentally an avenue or an obstacle to my joy, but as a whole person, with hopes and hurts so similar and yet so different from mine. It means learning how to go on vacation together so that we both have fun, and one of us isn’t bored and sand-ridden sitting on a beach or exhausted and brain-tired traversing historical monuments. (I’ll let you figure out which of us is which.)

At weddings of dear friends throughout the years: 2006, 2012, 2015

It means trusting that Brandon wants what’s good for both of us, even if he expresses it differently than I would. It means teaching myself to be more responsible with medical bills and other financial obligations as a way to love my husband. It means embracing that some of our sweetest times are at home on a Friday night with our silly dog, laughing at his ridiculous (and often very human) expressions and coaxing bravery out of his timid puppy-brain. It means letting “Yes, we should think about it” be my first response, when a fearful “No, that’s impossible!” is what automatically bubbles up.

At Andrew Peterson’s Behold The Lamb of God in Nashville in 2003, before we were even officially dating; on the way to a James Taylor concert in 2012; at the Behold The Lamb of God concert in 2014

It means learning to vulnerably offer my anxiety to a man who deeply loves me and has proven his care for me since we met twelve years ago, and to receive love and comfort and stability from him in return. It means celebrating the plain old fun we’ve had, especially since moving to Texas two and a half years ago and slowly making friends and getting settled together. It means entering into Brandon’s love of all things Walt Disney simply for the purpose of enjoying his childlike happiness. It means letting him process through a disagreement without forcing the immediate emotional response I might hope for. It means looking to Jesus first to fulfill my need to be understood, and letting go of the expectation that my husband should be my solitary source of companionship and fulfillment.

The day we bought our house in College Station, 2013; a Dallas Mavericks game, 2010; waiting to see Wicked in Austin, 2014

These are only a few of the things God has challenged me to learn over the past decade. I could write twice this much on things I’ve learned about being a child of God while I’ve been learning to be a wife. I truly have come to understand so much more deeply the ugliness and expanse of my sin. It’s not just that living with someone gives me less of a chance to get away with things, but that I find that despite loving Brandon person more than any other person, I still sometimes love myself more. Nothing jars me awake to my disgusting selfishness more than seeing hurt on my husband’s face, and knowing I’m the cause of it. And nothing demonstrates the mercy and forgiveness of Jesus more than seeing my husband choose to forgive me and love me even more deeply than before.

Our first official date, February 2004; a visit during our spring break, March 2004; at a wedding, April 2004

As God has sanctified me through teaching me to be Brandon’s wife, He has also greatly blessed me through this sweet, funny, brilliant guy. Brandon takes care of almost all of our household expenses and bills, always works diligently at his job, and plans vacations like nobody’s business. Our recent trip to California was a highlight of our marriage, and he did an amazing job at making sure both of us would enjoy ourselves. He’s fantastic at researching the best deals on something, whether it’s a couch, a TV, a camera, or a restaurant. He gets adorably giddy about Disneyland, and sings along with our Disney playlist with glee and gusto. He is one of the best, if not the best, Sunday School teacher I have ever heard, and I have learned so much from being in his classes. His dedication to research and prepare his lessons impresses me every week. His eye for design makes our home more beautiful, and I can’t get over how good his websites are. (Seriously, go check out AggieNetwork.com – he designed that. Awesome, right?!) His careful financial decision-making helps balance my impetuousness and need to please others, and ensures that we will never buy a terrible timeshare in Nebraska just because some greasy salesman makes me feel bad about it.

Silly faces while dating in 2004; chatting with a frog on our Charleston honeymoon; silliness again on our 8th anniversary at a Bryan Bombers baseball game (2013)

I love going to Blue Baker every Sunday after church with him, sometimes chatting, sometimes being “that couple” both on our phones, happy to be together but needing to decompress from Sunday morning. I love when we replace “Puppies” for the words in pop songs and sing them to Beren, not that he gets exactly what is going on (a favorite, from the LEGO movie: “Everything is puppies!!!!”). I love talking, and watching, Aggie football with him, and I’m so thankful for the history and tradition I’ve gotten to enjoy by being an Aggie-by-marriage.

My first Aggie game: 2005 Cotton Bowl; before the 2011 A&M/Texas game; College GameDay for the 2013 A&M/Alabama game; tailgating at the 2014 A&M/South Carolina game

This by no means encompasses all the wonderful things about this man or all the things I enjoy about sharing life with him! This is just what was on the top of my head. I figure hearing someone gush about another person gets a little boring after a while. 😉

But this isn’t really for everyone else reading. This is for you, Brandon, my beloved. I am so glad I am yours, and that you are mine. Thank you for your patience and love and commitment and forgiveness. I can’t wait to continue to have and to hold you from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, as long as we both shall live.